This is that time I feel confident work isn’t reading this
I’ve tossed this job aside about 3 times a day for the last 4 years. I have given up on finding a way to make things work an average of 15 times a week; 60 times a month; over 700 times a year. That’s twice a day, everyday of my life for 4 years, over two thousand times that I’ve given up on myself as a tenable employee. That’s often.
In that time, I’ve applied for exactly, precisely ZERO other opportunities. I haven’t taken a single interview, filled out a job application, applied for further education, or finished a meaningful project. While I’m at work five days of the week, desperate for anything else, all I can think of is doing something I want to do. While I’m at home the other two days of the week, I have the inkling to make something of myself, but most of the time I feel like “resetting” from the five days at work. If I spend it doing things that I want to do instead of things I need to do to further myself for the long-term, I fulfill myself shortly. I make no progress. I cannot move on until I’ve started walking. I cannot start walking without taking the first step.
How do I change this? I think of different things I could do to change my career path—apply to grad school, work as an unpaid intern in a field I want experience with, start my own thing (business, freelance, contract work). I don’t do any of that, though, because I’ve never done it before and it’s tough to do new things (for me, at least).
And now I’m married and have a dependent on the way! I am so excited about meeting my son and filling out our family. The thought of having to leave him, though, for 12 hours at a time at least 3 times a week is terrifying. I already don’t want to be at work.
I haven’t known what to do for a long time, so it might be time to start guessing.
